Don't Go In The Portaloo Alone!4/10
If you and your loved ones are planning to spend a few days in the wilderness blasting the crap out of defenceless woodland critters, I suggest reading the following ten point safety guide that I have compiled based on the movie Preservation. You never know
it might just save your life! 1. If the park sign says it is closed, it could be because the place is a graffiti-strewn hellhole frequented by psychos. I suggest trying somewhere else.
2. When passing through a children's play area, be sure to leave a broken beer bottle on the ground. Sure, it's a thoughtless act that could injure an innocent youngster, but you never know when you'll need a jagged bottle-neck for a weapon.
3. Relax, have fun, but don't overdo the alcohol: there's always the possibility that, while you're out cold, strangers will sneak into your camp, steal your boots, bottles of water, guns, the very tent you're sleeping in, and your dog, and, while they're at it, draw a cross on your forehead for s**ts and giggles.
4. Try to leave all unnecessary electronic gadgets at home: constant phone calls from work will only create tension amongst your fellow campers, and that GPS tracking device might be more trouble than it's worth.
5. If pursued by a gun-toting maniac, try to avoid trapping yourself in a confined space that offers next to no protection. For example, a plastic portaloo.
6. Remember: an earring and some string make a handy makeshift needle and thread for the self-treatment of serious head injuries.
7. Murderous locals are tricksy blighters: never be tempted to turn your back on them, even if they look like they're down for the count.
8. If you discover your stolen water bottles suspended suspiciously from a tree, take care to look where you're treading when you go to retrieve them.
9. Should you need to return to your vehicle at any time during your stay, take the pathit's a lot easier than scaling a crumbling cliff-face.
10. As undeniably impressive as it is to lower yourself upside-down from a branch and throttle someone with jump leads, it might be easier (and a lot more effective) to simply shoot them.
As you've probably guessed, Preservation is one hell of a dumb film. It's also extremely predictable, writer/director Christopher Denham opting to take the path well travelled rather than risk going off the beaten track. The film borrows heavily from numerous other survival horrors, most notably UK hoodie horror Eden Lake and French home invasion flick Them (AKA Ils), and its commentary about society's lax attitude to media violence and our over-reliance on technology is both trite and ham-fisted. Technically, the film fares well enough, with accomplished cinematography and editing, and decent performances, but with such a weak script, Preservation proves positively pitiful overall.