"Because Moviegoers Love Stupid Characters!"2/10
DIRECTOR: Good afternoon, sirs! I came in today because I was stoned out of my mind earlier and I thought of the best idea for a movie ever! STUDIO: Alright, we're listening! DIRECTOR: So, like, in the near future, the government will allow 12 hours of crime a year! Like, murder will be legal and stuff! STUDIO: Okay, cool! Why? DIRECTOR:Uh... well... because if people go crazy on one day, then they won't need to do any other crimes the rest of the year! Because all crimes are created by random murderous passions, right? ONLY SMART GUY IN THE ROOM: Why don't the rich people just leave the country? That's the worst idea I- STUDIO: That's so original! People will eat that up. And it can double as a shallow social commentary! DIRECTOR: Uh... yeah... social commentary. I know what that is. Anyways, I got Lena Headey and Ethan Hawke to sign on! STUDIO: Fantastic! I bet you have lots of good dialogue to go between them.
DIRECTOR: Yeah... good dialogue... I know what that is. Anyways, the dad sells these security systems and the mom is... well... a mom, I guess. She can sulk a lot. And the older female kid can be a "typical" sulky teenager who is completely brain dead! She won't see anything suspicious when her much-older boyfriend, who her father disapproves of, sneaks into her house on the night murder is legal and says he's come to see her dad! And the also brain-dead boyfriend can botch his low-awaited parent killing by yelling out the dad's name before shooting! He'll die and then the shocked girlfriend will cry and then wander around the dark house by herself for no reason! ONLY SMART GUY IN THE ROOM: Uh, why would the boyfriend think she'd continue to date him after he killed her dad? That's an awful and unnecessary i- STUDIO: Perfect! It'll be tense when she wanders around because we really care about her character! Who else is there?
DIRECTOR: Well, there'll be another son with that awful super-long hair that's popular with horror movie boys nowadays! He'll be reclusive and play with creepy remote control dolls and he'll be the only moral character in the movie while being completely moronic! He will shut down the security system without letting his parents know in order to let a homeless guy in, and then he'll hide him, even though that means his whole family will die. And then, when he sees his sister about to go hide in the same spot, he won't yell out or warn her or anything! And then even later on, he'll hide in the basement and STILL let one of the invaders sneak up behind him, even though he has a gun! STUDIO: He sounds so lovable! What about the other characters? Are they dumb too? DIRECTOR: Oh yeah, super dumb! For example, the dad will have a complete 180 degree moral change halfway through the movie even though he sees the purge first hand, as if he didn't already know about it because he sells security systems for the purge! And then, he won't even untie the guy he's saving so he can help! He's completely retarded. And then there's the wife! Instead of hiding and having the advantage against the invaders, she can get up and wander around so she can be snuck up on! And then she won't shoot the guy who's threatening to kill her daughter because... well... she's stupid! And finally, the lead bad guy will try to kill the main character, but stops and leaves after giving him a flesh wound in the stomach! And then gets snuck up on, too!
STUDIO: That's wonderful! Movie goers are much more likely to cheer for stupid characters than intelligent ones! DIRECTOR: Oh and the invaders will wear masks like "The Strangers"! STUDIO: Great, that movie was terrifying! ONLY SMART GUY IN THE ROOM: No it wasn't, that movie was awf- DIRECTOR: I'll be sure to include the max amounts of cliches, too! Like, a bad guy will be ABOUT to kill a main character, but there'll be a dramatic pause before he does, and seconds before it happens, he'll get killed from behind! STUDIO: Genius! That should happen AT LEAST 4 times.
DIRECTOR: And for the icing on the cake, the invaders will be like cultists and recite prayer-like incantations dedicated to America and the "new founding fathers" because that's what would happen in real life, right? STUDIO: Perfect! Let's get this movie made. ONLY SMART GUY IN THE ROOM: **** this, I quit.