Battleship (2012)

Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi, Thriller
Alexander Skarsgård, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson, Rihanna
A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.
It may offer energetic escapism for less demanding filmgoers, but Battleship is too loud, poorly written, and formulaic to justify its expense -- and a lot less fun than its source material.
  • Universal Company:
  • PG-13 Rated:
  • IMDB link IMDB:
  • 18 May 2012 Released:
  • 28 Aug 2012 DVD Release:
  • $65.2M Box office:

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Trailer:

So Promising - So disappointing3/10
There are 3 hugely anticipated block-busters this year and Battleship was the first one to be released. I had expectations of watching this at that cinema a few times and getting it on blue ray - this is my type of movie!; or at least that was the expectation. With such great promotional footage and Liam Neeson heading the cast, it had to be great. In reality, Neeson has almost a bit part (in fact you see most of it in the promotional adverts), clearly there to increase sales of the movie; with the bulk of the 'acting' coming from Taylor Kitsch.

A ludicrous start with Kitsch playing a 27 year loser who, on the recommendation of his brother (Alexander Scarsgard) joins the Navy, suddenly to become at Lt Cdr - The script is clearly written by someone with no military knowledge or experience and that the actions, demeanour and interaction with all that are supposed to be military personnel, is a non sense. It makes Top Gun look believable! However, it gets worse;with aliens that have made there way to earth with great looking craft,that impressively rise from the ocean (great CGG) - you see it on the commercials for the movie, the only weapon they possess are melee type Armour - pretty ridiculous

really and by this point the movie has lost any form of credibility. The outcome is obvious from the first few minutes and I certainly wouldn't go back for a repeat viewing. It's still probably worth a watch if you can't resist, but don't buy any pop corn; there's enough corn in this movie!
chicken burrito and kentucky fried chicken2/10
This is my first ever review on IMDb and after watching this movie a few hours ago I was compelled to register on IMDb so I could play the Battleship guessing game with you (similar to the original Battleship, only that it's not).

Q1: How does a radio telescopes work? Do they

A - Detect and collect data on radio sources

B - Shoot some type of visible light laser beam to another solar system in the hope to communicate with aliens?

Answer: B - It's hard for someone to imagine how a signal is sent.

Q2: What would be the best way for an alien ship to travel once on earth?

A - Fly

B - Hop on the water (in one direction) like a cross between a water strider and a frog

Answer: B - Also staying true to their weapons system which only work line of sight.

Q3: Once the alien destruction robots are launched to attack and weaken the human defense, do they

A - Destroy 20 unarmed helicopters

B - Ruin a field where kids are playing baseball

C - Destroy the only remaining docked Battleship equipped with Harpoon and Tomahawk missiles

D - Attack some concrete pillars holding up a section of a freeway

Answer: A,B,D - Who would ever think that the USS Missouri had a better chance of attacking the aliens as opposed to a freeway.

Q4: Your a bad-ass alien who traveled ten's of light years to take over another planet, what do you bring as a personal weapon?

A - A ray guy than can evaporate anything in sight

B - Any other type of projectile weapon

C - A knife that looks like a screwdriver

Answer: C - The only weakness being that it takes this weapon 20 seconds to warm up, giving a double leg amputee enough time to walk up to the armored alien kick-box it in the head and take off it's helmet.

Q5: The humans have fired a tomahawk missile at your alien ship. What do you do?

A - Try to shoot it down with your own weapons

B - Try to maneuver your ship out of the way

C - Have your alien ship hop directly into the missile

Answer: C - Oh yes that's right the alien ship is only equipped with grenades and it can only move in the direction it is facing.

Q6: Your building an alien war ship that will be used to take over a planet. What material do you use to protect the bridge?

A - A type of super strong metal

B - Glass

Answer: B - Taking over a planet is not so easy when a few sniper rifle rounds breaches the hull on the bridge and kills the alien commander.

If you got 0% then watch the trailer and save yourself from having your intelligence insulted.

If you got above 1% then steal a chicken burrito, become captain of the navy in a few years and save the planet from an alien invasion by taking commands from an officer 20 ranks below you.
Definition of a guilty pleasure8/10
Heaven help me! I liked this movie, now I am going to be one of the few who did. As you can see from the other reviews a lot of people didn't like this movie, so why did I?

1. I came in with low expectations - I was expecting something horrible, boring, long and pointless, but despite myself I liked it, I laughed at the jokes, I connected with the actors (yes, Rihanna too), I was excited by the action and while cliches the plot held my interest

2. The actors did a good job with what they were given - Taylor Kitsch did a good job, Rihanna wasn't that bad, I dare say good, in her role. She was there, she didn't try to chew the scenery, she did her job as an actor/secondary character and it didn't bother me. I give her kudos

3. lost in translation? - you try to make a game into a movie and you want to put parts of them game in it? Not easy, a little cheesy? Of course, but fun? Yes, fun, enjoyable, and in the end it was a part of the story that wasn't as forced as it could have been.

So in conclusion, "Battleship" is a fun, corny, typical summer movie that I like but as you see a lot of people didn't. I think it is a guilty pleasure, something to be enjoyed by the few but annoyed by the rest. In the end I can only suggest this - go in with low expectations, expect a little over the top patriotism like in "Act of Valor" ( but not so heavy), and don't think about it. The movie is not without its flaws or questionable logic, but as it was said so well in another movie - "I suggest you don't think about it and just enjoy the ride"
Why did I watch this Hollywood movie?4/10
The characters: Mostly douches with bad lines.

The story: Aliens invade, their ships are clumsy and weird and jump on water. America (and to a lesser, lesser extent Japan saves the world). There are moments when you wish you could unsee the tacky ways they (the movie makers) try to make heroes and bad-asses of certain people. Most notably the old sailors on the USS Missouri which are posed (yes, really posed!) everywhere, high and low in an awkward way that just makes you wanna squirm and throw up a little bit.

The aliens: At first you think: "This alien race seems really noble." Second thought: "I hope the aliens win, I hate the characters in this movie so much!" Third thought: "Huh, so the aliens aren't noble, they're just stupid. And they seem a bit evil according to the unoriginal flashback John Carter got but... I'm still rooting for the aliens! Go aliens, exterminate this movie-verse!!"

The sum: Why did I watch this movie with awkward characters, unlikable at best. Silly plot with horribly pushed tie-ins to the battleship game. Plain dumb aliens. In-your-face product placement (Cola Zero, LG, Subway and probably some more). Why? I was really, really bored. And now I've lost faith in Hollywood movie making. It's not better then Transformers, It's just as bad.

If your over 10 years old: Don't watch this. If you 10 or younger: Don't watch this.

Hollywood needs to learn that they can't push this crap from the toilet to the big screen anymore!
Battlesh*t1/10
Battleship is bar none the worst movie I have seen in recent years. It is a noisy, cliched and unbearable piece of trash that exploits the work of CG artists and paying customers who just want to be entertained.

A simple way to describe Battleship, is that it's basically a $200 million naval recruitment video that was made by a schizophrenic 8 year old who likes video games and things going Ka-Boom.

The main heroes in this movie are indeed American navy sailors, but the one thing the film-makers really failed at is making these people likable and realistic. Taylor Kitsch plays the lead character, he's basically some drop out loser who robs convenience stores to get girlfriends and joins the navy at his brothers behest, and in what seems like no time at all he becomes a lieutenant with big responsibilities on a naval vessel with some few hundred men beneath him.

The special effects are the only thing to keep you invested, however they're all completely CG so it just likes a cut-scene from a video game . Something that should be impressive (like a ship sinking) is made pointless because it's something clearly rendered on a computer.

The soundtrack to the movie is okay composition wise, but it's often loud and draws attention to itself and it sounds exactly like the Inception soundtrack on numerous occasions.

This movie has the shadow of Transformers looming over it, both in its marketing and tone. Battleship however is far, far, far worse than any of those three films and it could probably be used as a symbol for the decline of western civilisation.