oh, my Lord1/10
My 11 year old son dragged us to see this. I don't spend as much time with the kid as I ought to. So, I happily paid the $40 for admission and gold-plated popcorn bucket. I didn't know Rachael W. wasn't in this one, and I can now say she rocks. Looks, talent, AND brains to avoid a celluloid crap-fest when she sees it. Anyway:
15 minutes into the film, the kid turns to me and says "I'm sorry I made you see this". I say "Oh, it's okay. We're at the movies together, having fun!"; he didn't believe my acting any more than he did that awful woman who's trying her best, apparently, to fake 3 different English accents (or was one of them Australian) and pretend she's enjoying being on screen in this TURD.
30 minutes into the film: I'm wishing I had a cellphone, so I could call in a bomb threat and get the theater emptied.
45 minutes into the film: I go to the bathroom. Theatre-hop into the middle of Mamma Mia. No kidding. Stay there for about 5 minutes (during the "Does Your Mama Know" number. Seen it twice; love it.
60 minutes into the film: Discover the kid has fallen asleep. We're at a 5 pm showing, by the way.
75 minutes into the film: I have the worst luck in theatres; if there's a crying baby, his parents will sit immediately behind me. If there's a person whose hearing was damaged by too much disco, he'll sit beside me and shout questions at his wife or boyfriend through the whole thing. You know; things like this have made me spend the money and buy a home theater with 9' screen. I still love going to the theater, however. Anyway, when the 4 year old that sits near us starts talking in his "outside voice" to his obviously deaf Grandma and Pa (or is it Great-Grandma and Pa), instead of yelling "Shut UP!" like I normally do, I start listening to HIM; it's actually more entertaining.
90-something minutes into the film: Now, I'm no longer wishing for the cellphone and have gone straight to wishing I had an actual bomb, so I could get the theater emptied out.
The End of the Film: the bedraggled audience weakly applauds the fact that it's over. No kidding. I hear people leaving, saying things like "maybe we can get our money back", and "That SUCKED". I've never heard things like that on exit from a movie like this before, and I see a LOT of movies. The kid apologizes again. I say "You OWE me. Big Time." He says "I'm soooo sorry this sucked so bad".
Did you get that, moviemaker sellouts? An 11 year old kid! Loves Star Wars, James Bond, Indiana Jones, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE. And your movie is SO bad, he feels GUILTY about me spending our money to see it! Where can I send this bill I've created for having my intelligence insulted by Mario Bello, a beautiful woman who's apparently never even HEARD of England? Maybe it's not her fault. Maybe her family has B-S'd her all her life, telling her how she sounds "just like those Harry Potter movies" or something. Pathetic is not a word that comes close. I'll have to create a new one: Skantasticalistically Snarxious. Trust me. Burn your money. Don't even go to it thinking you'll be able to make fun of it, like Rocky Horror. Let's all pitch in and bury this deep, like you're supposed to do with rotting corpses.
Geez. BTW< I would not suggest calling in a bomb threat. Nope, never do THAT. It's bad. And stay in school. Drugs are for losers. Vote. Tip your waiters.