Snubbed at the Oscars...5/10
ALL MY REVIEWS HAVE SPOILERS. EVERY ONE OF THEM.
This is the type of movie that was 80's back when it was the 80's. Let's start off with the movie's hero, Jesse-- androgynously played by Mark "I Have Yet To Make Another Movie" Patton. How did this guy get the lead in a flick? Just look at him. And how 'bout that Oscar winning bedroom dance number he did. Take special note of the part where he closes his dresser drawer with his butt. I was laughing so hard, no sound was coming out my body. "How do you like THAT, Dad!" I guess he told him. This scene alone sealed the film in my opinion as an instant cinematic classic.
I first saw this movie in theaters when I was just a fetus, and I thought it was bad. Now I'm watching it 20 years later and boy, was I wrong. It's horrible. Let's start with the credits, which read "Special Appearance by Clu Gulager;" the same man who happens to be in every scene of the movie. Our main character, Jesse wakes up screaming from a nightmare and sounds a lot like a woman; but this dream is nothing compared to his "gym teacher" nightmare. Note the end of this dream, where Jesse looks at his hand and sees he is wearing the famous razor glove. When he screams, oh my god. I must have rewound the scream about 12 times. I think Fay Wray's voice was dubbed over his, because he shrills like the classic women of the 30's. This may very well be the movie's finest hour.
Was this scene even in the original version? For some reason, I don't remember Killer Basketballs when I saw this in the theater. Was I watching a director's cut or something? This couldn't have been in theaters, could it? I must be slipping in my old age, because I would have been laughing too hard to forget a scene like Killer Basketballs. This scene is second place only to the unbeatable Killer Braces scene in Poltergeist 2.
Midway through Freddy's Revenge, Alfred Hitchcock takes over and directs a cool "When Parrots Attack" scene. The scene comes out of nowhere, but the sudden shifting of gears is welcomed in this movie. The parrot destroys his lovebird partner, and for some reason, Jesse lets the Cujo of birds out of his cage. The bird then begins to terrorize the family and by this time, the scene is going great. Easily comparable to the great shower scene of Psycho, or when Michael Corleone kisses Fredo. The director then gets tired of this sequence and decides to end it by having the bird explode into thin air. What a disappointment!! They could have dropped Freddy and expounded with this bird concept for the rest of the movie! I was having a ball. It was clearly the only well thought-out scene of the movie. Hollywood just doesn't make enough Attack Bird movies. That's exactly what this industry needs! More Attack Bird movies! If Titanic had an Attack Bird scene, I guarantee you nobody would have complained about the 7 hour running time. The possibilities are endless when it comes to movies about disgruntled birds.
Freddy's Revenge is directed by some guy named Jack Sholder. Now I don't know who this guy is, and I have a theory as to why we've never heard of him again: Once he got famous, he eventually changed his name to Joel Schumacher. Laugh if you must, but I am convinced the two men are one and the same. Jack Sholder is as queer as a 3 dollar bill. Not that I am gay bashing, but I do like my slasher flicks more scary and less Rocky Horror. How gay was Freddy's Revenge," let me count the ways:
1.) A slasher movie starring a man is unheard of. We want breasts, Hollywood! 2.) Our freakishly feminine hero, has the unisexual name "Jesse." 3.) More locker room and shower scenes than you can shake a stick at. Get it-- shake a stick at? 4.) Plenty of bare ass shots of men. 5.) What's up with Jesse having that dream at the Blue Oyster bar? Then the dream evolves into a bondage S&M concept; which is truly a nightmare-- more frightening than anything Freddy could ever do.
Oh yeah, that reminds me. There is also this guy named Freddy who goes around killing people or something. I don't know, who cares? This movie has an Attack Bird scene!!!
* * * * * out of 5.